Curveball

I've been thinking about this post for a long time now. I haven't known whether I've been ready to write it, or if I even wanted to share this part of my life with the wold wide web, but I've come to realize that it's best to talk about this and that I want to share my story.

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In my two and a half years of marriage I've learned that marriage can be really hard sometimes. 

Your spouse may do little things that annoy you, like rubbing their feet on your legs at night (which, I am guilty of and drives my husband insane).

But, marriage is more than just learning to live together. It's about building a life together and sometimes a curveball is thrown your way when you least expect it. 

Jason and I got a curveball back in September, right when we thought things were going our way. 

In August we found out I was pregnant. I've wanted a baby since…well basically as soon as we got married. But, we decided to wait at least until I was done with school, which I was grateful for because one of my life-long goals was to graduate from college. So, we were ecstatic to find out that we were finally expecting a little baby. 

About three weeks after we found out we were expecting, things started to take a turn for the worse. 

I was eight weeks pregnant and physically I was doing fine. Things seemed to be on track, until that fateful Monday when all of a sudden they weren't.

I had a miscarriage.

It was Labor Day when my miscarriage started, and I hadn't even chosen a doctor yet. We didn't know what to do or who to call. I was a mess. 

Luckily, Jason and I have the blessing of belonging to a faith that believes in the power of the priesthood, and my husband was able to give me a blessing of comfort. God promised us that everything would be ok, and that we would be able to get through this. 

At the time I hoped that, that blessing meant we would get to have our baby on this earth with us, but now I know it meant that we would have the strength to face this trial and feel God's love for us when we needed it most. 

That week, when I was going through the miscarriage, sucked. We had just gotten back to Idaho after living in Maryland, and I had to go back to work the same day we went to the doctor to confirm the miscarriage.  I felt terrible and all I wanted was to lay in bed and sleep all the horrible feelings away, but instead I had to sit through a city council meeting and pretend like I cared about what was going on. 

The thing I've learned about miscarriages through this is that it doesn't matter how far along you were, the moment you find out you are pregnant you become so connected to that little baby that was

growing inside of you and it hurts so much to lose that. 

The other thing I learned is that God's love is so strong. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is looking out for me. Sometimes, I think that God doesn't love me, but then I realize that his love is the only way I can stand to face each day.

I'm grateful for the beliefs that I have. I believe that one day I'll have the opportunity to meet

my baby and that he'll always be a part of our family.